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cera

On that August night, when I got the phone call that he was in the hospital. The words "They don't know if he's gonna make it..." hitting me like bricks.

I didn't sleep at all that night. Maybe a combined hour. Because every few minutes I'd wake up in tears, check my phone, look at the clock, squeeze my silly little shark, and cry until I drifted off again.

Minutes later, sometimes seconds, I'd wake up again. And do the entire thing over again.The entire night.

I didn't want to go to sleep and wake up to news that he wasn't here anymore. I didn't want to fall asleep and lose him.

Almost a year later, even with how things turned out for us, I actually feel very lucky. It really all could have been so much worse.

And I feel so horrible and so very worried for my wonderful friend. Right now, she's going through my worst nightmare. And I know there is nothing anyone can do.

There's been a few curveballs lately.

And I've been thinking...

What would I actually want to go do if I knew the world was about to end?

I use to have an answer for this. It was a simple one.

But things change.


So what would I do now?


I might start a small business overcharging "asteroid collision" to people. "Red Giant heat" insurance. "Comet flare" insurance.

heh. (Apparently I assume something cosmic will take out our planet.)


There are lot of things I'd want to go see. (Aside from everything!!)

Rome, for one. I'd really love to see Rome.

I'd want to drive the entire Route 66 to see exactly the places it ran through for myself.

I'd like to get rocked hardcore by a wave in Australia. So hard that the pain numbs my body for hours.

I'd want to go snowboarding in Utah. (Well... learn, and then attempt, and hopefully not fall down too much.)

I'd want to go back to Scotland and take a boat out on Loch Ness for a day and look for Nessie.

I'd want to go back to Ireland.

I'd drive the three hours to go get a Coldbuster Jabba Juice. (And maybe go hunt for Yogurtland in NYC. I love yogurt.)

I'd take out a loan I could never pay off on a completely grossly over priced house on Huntington Beach. And then I'd spend every morning watching the sun raise and every night watching the sun set on that beach.




There is one person I can think of that I'd knock on his door and jump on him when he opened it. Regardless of what happened after that. (And I'd be really open to what happened after that actually. As long as it wasn't along the lines of tossing me back out.)



I'd throw an End of the World party (with tons and tons of tequila), so I could have all my friends and family with me.




I'd want to go out knowing that I was always true to myself and the things I believe in. That I had no regrets.





As I wait on this phone call, I try not to worry. That everything is probably fine and that my impatience is just making me crazy.

And that it's probably not the end of the world.


But what if it could be?

On all those hour drives home from the hospital at night, I would always look up at the stars and be so grateful to whatever higher powers live up in those cosmos for letting him stay. This earth just wouldn't have been the same without him.
I wouldn't have been the same.

You can hate someone and love them at the same time, you know. As nonsense as that sounds.

As much as I really hate him right now, I still find myself staring up at those stars from time to time. And thanking those higher powers for letting him stay on this earth.

The sun in my eyes. The not so open road. Our drive back from Bradley International.

"I can't believe such a small thing would still make me so angry." I tell my friend in the passenger seat. "If that could make me go into an anger spiral, then that's probably not good."

"Well what did you expect?"

"I don't know! I should probably be over it by now."

He shook his head and said, "It's only been a few months."


He is probably one of the few people I know who probably has a really good idea what I'm going through. And to hear him say that, it made me feel like I'm probably doing all the normal things one would do that had just gone through what I did. And maybe taking all the time that I need is not a bad thing.

I'm really glad he's back.

So I know I'm not suppose to be picky in these tough times, but these guys really weirded me out. Big time!

Twice!

(Why I went back for a second round of weirdness is beyond me....)

I'll find my own way. I'm not running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.

My inner voice said "run!" on this one.
I listened.

So I had an interview today to be a model.

Yea... I'm not fucking with you. And when I got this phone call, I got a good laugh. Me? A model? That's absurd! What?? And I dreaded actually going to this interview with fears that they would tell me I wasn't pretty enough. Which is, also, probably absurd.

They loved me! They loved my red hair and blue eyes. "That red hair and those blue eyes! Wow!" They toured me around their agency. They are the biggest model and talent agency in the state.

And when I told them I'd think about it and shook hands, I actually walked out with fantasies of a huge White Mansion in the Hamptons next to Diddy, my own line of designer handbags, and a baseball player boyfriend (probably a yankee. I don't want to jinx my red sox with a relationship).

I did turn it down in the end. I just can't afford the fees they wanted for photos and teaching me how to walk a catwalk.

But it was fun to think about for an hour.

So I need to start blogging more. Maybe blogging with help get some of this anger and hurt out of my system. Get the feelings into the air to strangers who don't know me.

And I know I've said this already, but I really am ok.

We've broken up a few times before this. The difference between all those times and now is that I want to stay broken up.

I really am done with the whole thing.

No matter how much you love someone, maybe it's better to just cut your losses. Understand that it was a bad investment. And find better things to invest in.

All the hurt makes me want to run for the hills though. I'm suprised I haven't jumped a plane yet.
Or maybe driving to Queens, NY counts as running away in some small form.
And Poughkeepsie.
And Rhode Island.

"If I keep moving around, I don't think of it as much. The voices don't catch up with me." At least, that was my theory at the time. 

I'm probably handling things as well as came expected. 

I hate that I feel chased away from my myspace blog because I know he knows it exists. I hate that! I hate feeling chased away from anything. 

This is my life. He was only part of it.



It's been a few months and I honestly don't need to be moving around anymore to not be thinking about things. As much, anyway.
I'm doing pretty good at just thinking about myself now.

For the first time in a very long time.

It'll be a month tomorrow.

And I have done reasonably well this entire time. I've gone on with my life. Hung out with my friends. Eating pretty normally. (Normally, I don't eat when I'm upset.) Trying to move forward with my life.

We've broke up and gotten back together numerous times over the course of our relationship. Normally, I'm a wreak and I'd yell at him and fight him on it.  

Of course, then the fall. And he almost died.

And I was a complete and utter mess during that. I couldn't function! I wasn't eating and I was having nightmares that he wouldn't wake up ever again. I fought through his family to be by his side. I waited for him to wake up into his life again. And when he called for me, I was right there by his side, holding his hand, and watching everything.

Compared to that, him breaking up with me was no where close to that. Because THAT was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Watching the person I love most in this whole world hurt himself, not knowing if he was going to come back, and have to watch him go through that. I'll never get those images out of my head for the rest of my life.


So for this break up, I sat there and listened through the receiver as he broke up with me.

And I didn't fight it. 

"I want to be friends." he said.

"yea... i can't do that right now. i need to go."

I hung up.


And every time he texts me randomly, I feel rage. I don't respond.
I want nothing to do with him.


He has hurt me that badly. So badly that I won't even fight for him anymore.

I've spent years fighting for him. Keeping him fighting for himself. I pushed so hard for him and pushed him so hard to push for himself and to not give up on the things that are important to him. I've done so many things for him. I've looked out for him.

I am done.

I feel beaten and bruised by everything he has put me through. EVERYTHING!!!

I may never get over this. I may always hate him for tossing me aside after everything I've been through for him.
I say this now... And I really mean this right now... I say this now...


The truth is, he has always needed me.
And I have never needed him.


So in the long run, I'll be just fine.

 

"do you care if i don't know what to say?
will you sleep tonight? will you think of me?
will i shake this off? pretend it's all ok?
that there's someone out there who feels just like me?
there is..." 
- Boxcar Racer


I lost my career and the person I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with...
in a matter of a week.

As far as I'm concerned, my world has pretty much fallen apart.



Three weeks later...

I'm actually doing ok.

Being laid off isn't so bad. My severence was decent (could have been better.), so it will stretch my unemployment out a few weeks. I can go explore things I've always wanted to explore during my down time. Visit my friends. Take a breather.

And honestly, this was the best time to have been broken up with too. Gives me time to grieve the death of my relationship.


As I laid in my bed that first week and looked around my room, looking at all the things that reminded me of him. The cards, the photos, the stuffed shark that kept me company while I worried about him in the hospital. 8 years is a long time. Long enough where your world is so horribly covered with him. So many songs remind me of him that I may not be able to listen to most of my cd collection for awhile. And all the movies we watched together.... it'll take me some time to build up to being able to watch them again.

My friend told me I should throw out everything that reminds me of him. I laughed at my friend. If I did that, I wouldn't have much left in my room. I wouldn't have much of my life left.

And it's not because I took so much of him into me. He took a lot of me into him too. So those things started out as mine.
They will always be mine and I'll be able to listen to that music and watch those movies without ever thinking about him as I do. At some point.
 
I'm doing better than I expected that I would be. I think it's because I'm just so tired of him putting through horrible times constantly. And this was probably the best thing for me.
But I have my moments that grip me sometimes. For a few moments, I can't even move.

The good moments are starting to out number those not good moments though.


I'm starting to see things have the potential to be amazing. I just have to throw all my energy and confidence into myself for once.

So the love of my life broke up with me.

Over the last few months, I was becoming increasely unhappy with him. But I let things slide because he was in the hospital recovering from his horrible accident.

As I think things over this past week since the break up, I'm thinking that this is for the better.

Now I won't have to put my life on hold for him anymore.

 

I was brought up thinking that relationships were a give and take. A two way street. When one falls, the other helps them until they can stand back up again. That you support each other in the good times, the bad times, the choices we make.
I realized that the person putting in the most in this relationship was me.


I wish him well. I really do. I'm sure I will always love him.
Right now, however, I have zero interest in talking to him. And even less interest in being his friend.
He was a pretty horrible friend these last few months.
After everything we've been through... and how he choose to handle breaking up with me... I need the time and space away from him. I need to do things for myself.



So I'm laid off from my job and single.
I know I'm suppose to be putting in tons of energy into finding a new job, but I admit that I'm enjoying the down time. I get to go explore things and rest from all the aniexty the last job was causing me. And all the aniexty he was causing me.


 

So I was informed that I'm going to be laid off in March.

I hate the idea of being on unemployment. I've never been without a job in my life.

I've been looking every where I can think of that might want to hire a Graphic Designer.

My Isis and the shark Matt got me. :-)


I hate winter so much!! All the snow really gets in the way!



So I really want to apply for this job!! 

islandreefjob.com

" from CNN.com

"It sounds far too good to be true: a salary of more than $100,000, a free home on a palm-fringed island and all the snorkeling you can be bothered with.

The six-month contract, according to Tourism Queensland, comes with flexible working hours and the successful applicant's "key responsibilities" include exploring the area to discover what is on offer and to report back weekly via blogs, photo diaries, video updates and media interviews.

On top of the six-figure salary you'll get return airfares from your nearest capital city, transport on the island, travel insurance, computer and camera gear and travel to other islands in the Great Barrier Reef.

No academic qualifications are required but you must be a good swimmer and enjoy snorkeling, be adventurous and have good communication skills.

Applications close on February 22, by which time you may be able to get on the Web site -- unsurprisingly it is proving very hard to load at the moment."


I want it!!


But so do so many others, which is why you can't get into their site right now.

And the odds of getting it are the same as publisher's clearing house showing up on your doorstep with a giant check.

But it's worth a shot, right?

 

Oh!!

for Roger's Creative Photography Contest 


Snow Pete - Taken by Cera Crowley 12/19/08




Pete likes winter, but only in ten minute intervals. Then he's racing for the door inside.
But he likes to eat snow.. a lot!! He'll bury his face in the snow every few steps to eat it.

That's my Pete! :-)

Roger's Creative Photography Contest 


Snow Covered Peace - Taken by Cera Crowley 12/19/08



My poor Buddha was covered in snow on Friday. And I should have grabbed him after I took this photo, but I didn't. And his head came off later when we tried to get him from the huge pile of snow. I have crazy glue. I'm hoping I can glue his head back on. awwww...

Yea... It was a rough weekend.

I hate getting into fights with my boyfriend. I really do. I don't handle fights very well. I usually get all anxious and my stomach knots up. I want everything resolved right away, while in his mind, as soon as he hung up the phone it was resolved.

So I sit here staring at my bagel wondering if we're going to fight again in our next conversation or something worse, while he's probably doing his physical therapy not even thinking about it at all.

Roger's Creative Photography Contest 


State Hospital Recon - Taken by Cera Crowley 12/15/08
 

I have some "drive by photo taking" photos of the Norwich State Hospital. This may have been the best of the 10 I managed to click as we drove by as slow as possible.

I actually have some more "drive by photo taking" photos of that place somewhere.

I had a friend who had a flat tired by the Norwich State Hospital recently. A few weeks ago, I think.
She's not from the area and she didn't know where she was. She heard her tire flapping against the road and she pulled over. She didn't have a spare in the back of the car, so started looking for her AAA card.

Those security jeeps for the State Hospital were on her so fast, yelling at her that she couldn't park there. She was like, "I'm not parked! I have a flat! I'm calling AAA." And they stayed there with her and continued to yell at her until a cop came along. She explained to the cop that she wasn't from the area and that she had a flat and all she wanted to do was wait in peace for AAA. That she could give a crap what hospital she was near. The cop went over to the security guards and told them to simmer down.

I just thought that was completely nuts! I mean, it's one thing if you catch someone in a building, I guess. ( i want to see the inside of those buildings. *pout* *pout*) But to freak out at someone while they are in the break down lane outside the place. What??!?!

Yes!! That's how bad security guys have gotten over there now. Hyper!

The town of Preston is over paying those guys, if you ask me.


A few more from my "drive by" yesterday. If it were a nicer day and I had a nice camera, maybe they would have come out better.
Another time maybe. It's not going anywhere anytime soon. Preston would like to think it is, but it's not.

I don't know why, but I was thinking about that TV Show, Rich Girls, today. It aired on MTV a couple years ago.

The stars were 2 rich girls: Jamie Gleicher, daughter of the founder of Innovation Luggage which owns such brands as Jansport and Timberland, and Ally Hilfiger, daughter of fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger.

Honestly, Ally's random breakdowns were the best part about this show. She had the hardest time handling "difficult" situations.



And there was an episode where the girls dealt with the East Coast black outs we all dealt with at that point. My sister and I were in a mall when all the power went out. Not so bad. Got in our car and drove home. These girls freaked. And it was funny.





These days it seems like Jamie is doing the college thing and Ally is doing the "Artist" thing. She apparently produces small films. Ally will never have to work a day in her life because she has so much money.


It was a random thing to think about today, I know.

I'm happy to be getting comments on my entries. :-)

So I was going to enter this into Roger's Photo contest because... well... I just liked it! 

Roger's Creative Photography Contest 


Mike Doughty - Taken by Cera Crowley 12/04/08



I know his face is covered by the microphone, but I still liked it. He was setting himself up for his next song.

I love Mike Doughty! He was the lead singer of Soul Coughing. And while he apparently was not a fan of his own Soul Coughing days (ask him about Soul Coughing and he gets a little miffed.), his solo cds are amazing!! I love his songs.

My sister and I saw him at The Space in Hamden, CT on 12/4/08

More Mike for you!! 







I'm totally blushing in this photo. The most excited to meet him ever!! And he was super cool!! 
And see my Threadless shirt!  Represent!  (I'm in LOVE with Threadless tees!)



I kept texting Matthew photos as the show went. I was worried that Mike Doughty might see that and get mad considering I was in the front row. But it was good. And I wished Matthew could have come too.

He'll be home from the hospital by Feb, I hope.
In the meantime, I'm up there with him all the time and I bring him candy and movies. 
 

"What are you thankful for?"

I usually never have something definite to say to this question.

Every year, I usually have a stock answer.

Friends, Family, my job, Matthew.. My life because my life is pretty freakin awesome!!



This year I have a definite answer for this though. A specific thing to be thankful for. 

I'm thankful for Matthew! I'm thankful that he's is still alive!! That he still exists on this earth!! That he is recovering.

I'm thankful that he remembers his life, remembers me. I was thankful for those first moments he 'woke up' and called me 'Babe' and told me he loved me.

I couldn't describe how amazing that was.

I don't think I could ever express how thankful I am for that. He's the love of my life.



p.s. I did accomplish my Thanksgiving plan. I am the woman!